Let him go!

How long do you plan on allowing him to abuse you? Yes you, the one who continues to lie to herself and make up whatever story to get you through until he does something else or says something else to make you feel bad about yourself. Whether its physical, mental, or emotional, abuse is abuse. Trust me I know what it's like to live that lie. Mine was mental and emotional. I fell in love with him when we were in high school. We hadn't even turned sixteen. The writing was on the wall when I had my sweet sixteen birthday party and invited him and he not only came to the house, but he brought his ex-girlfriend who he had broken up with right before me. They never came inside the house and as a matter-of-fact they proceeded to have an argument across the street.

I truly went through too much stupidity with the father of my son. Yes, my high school sweetheart and I eventually got back together and later had a child. But, I allowed myself to waste too much time and energy on this man. Don't get me wrong, when we were good, we were 78%, never 100%, but I settled for crumbs, because of my blind love. No one could tell me that we would ever be apart, because we loved each other. IDIOT!! Love isn't 78%, but I didn't want to think about that. Like the horse with blinders, that was me. I used to ask him questions about other women and he would lie about them to make me feel better, because who really wants to hear that the man you have spent so much of your life with is seeing other women on the side.

Over the years there were women who somehow "found" my number and would call me to let me know that they were in love with him and he them. We had broken up time and again, but I had been with him for so long that I didn't know how to react to another man, plus he would be threatening if he thought that another man would be around his son. He also continued to degrade me. Now mind you, I am not a bad looking woman, but I have been told much better looking than the women he would date behind my back. This had to do with him being insecure and an unattractive woman would dote on him and make him look good and no other man would be interested in them like they would me.

The problem was he wanted his cake and eat it too. He wanted to keep his foot on my neck by making me feel insecure. He would tell me that whatever job I had, one of his female friends had some fantastic job, making some great money in a, "You're so pathetic" tone. I was too fat, what other man would look at someone as big as me, I thought, or he tried to make me believe. I went from a size 4 before my pregnancy to a size 10. My weight did become a roller coaster ride, but that is what stress does. My hair, which I kept short, was not long enough for him, and these other women-his friends-had long hair. In fact, they wore weaves. Hello? I won't knock a weave if that is your thing, and some women know how to rock a weave, but I went through the long hair thing for years and I decided that it was time to cut it all off. Basically, cutting him out. His family knew me and loved me, and he wouldn't dare introduce another woman to them. Every time I was too far away from him, he would "soften" his heart and tell me that he still loved me. He knew what buttons to push, because he knew that I truly loved him, or so I thought.

 He could never spend enough time with our son. I can't tell you how much that has hurt me. Most men would love to have a son, but his need to do his thing was more important. I did all the raising, because my son would grow up to be a man and I wanted him to be the best that he could no matter what.

Then I wised up with the help of the Lord. It took me years to finally let go of the pain, and hurt, and bitterness. I realized that this isn't the life that God meant for me to live and when I think of Scripture: 

Isaiah 53:5 But He was pierced for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities; upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and through His wounds we are healed. 

Now that, my friends, IS the Man who loves me and you.

Gone are the jokes about my weight, I lost 50 lbs. I no longer care where he is or who he's with. I don't have a job, I am an author, my own boss. While he still lives with his mother, I have moved on with my life and waiting for the man God is sending to me. I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. My son is almost thirty and doesn't have much of a relationship with his dad, although his father does call him from time to time. I raised my son to be respectful, no matter what. He has a bachelors degree in art and has his own business. My son has been the best thing that came out of that relationship. I thank God every night for him. He has been the best gift I could have ever gotten. Not so happy about the things we went through, but it's over. Thank God!

So, do yourself a favor, let go. Let go of the toxicity. You don't need him to be happy. You don't need him to be with you to raise a good child/children. You have to put your trust and life in God's hands. It took me a while, but it was the best decision I ever made. As I matter-of-fact God has dominion over my life and he makes all the decisions. Our Creator is the best man for the job.

Check back with me. I have more thoughts on this thing...